Kelsey: How to Friday! How to have malaria gracefully.

*Disclaimer*  Please never follow any advice that you read on this blog. If you suspect you have malaria, ebola, or plague please seek medical attention. Also malaria is very serious. You should really not joke about it.


So I have malaria for the second time this year and while I am the last person who should ever instruct anyone on anything to do with grace, I am the first person you should consult if you get malaria, I am basically a pro at having malaria. Also I am pretty good at getting malaria so I can help you out with that too. But this is my guide on how to have malaria gracefully.


First:

Try not to poop your pants.

If I could give one piece of advice in all life situations. It would be that. Like if I get really famous (probably for most times a person has ever got malaria in America) and the people (you know, the people) they want me to write a book. But I am still not that important so I only get a really short book or something and it can only have one topic. I would write about not pooping your pants.

But it is way more important when you have malaria because if you poop your pants you have to shower. And you are way too tired to shower. Literally too tired to take like a 4 minute shower. So try very hard to control your bodily functions. Do whatever you have to do to avoid standing up for 4 full minutes in the shower. Standing upright is torture. When are they going to invent that shower-bed?

Second:

Do not tell the government.

Also some great general life advice right there. But if the US government finds out you have malaria they  will track your every move and ask you like a hundred questions to verify that you did not in fact contract the malaria in the USA. I wonder what would happen if you did? I bet they would bring you in for top secret government malaria testing and probing.


Third:

If you must get malaria then get it often. Seems like this thing is getting easier each time. I predict like 4 more times and I wouldn't even notice.


Fourth:

Get malaria in America. People will feel very bad for you and worry. If you get malaria in Africa no one will care. Malaria in Africa is like a head cold. You get to be sick with it for maybe one day and then you are expected to be fine. Its just malaria, don't be a baby about it. Get out of bed and go back to work.

In America your friends and family will literally worry that you are dying (which actually is not out of the question). And they will be very nice to you for at least one whole week.

This only works the first time you get it. The second time no one thinks you will die. That sympathy factor really goes away. And obviously sympathy is the best part about getting sick!



Thanks for reading. Good luck with your malaria.

Kelsey: Random

- The power outages have been crazy whacked out of control lately. Like 30 hours long. We got it back this morning and I am bingeing on electricity by watching a movie on one laptop and surfing on the other laptop. Denis is celebrating by watching Arsenal finally win! The thing about power cuts is they are normal but yet not scheduled. Like they have no pattern. I feel like a rat in some evil experiment and people are trying to test my reaction to intermittent rewards (electricity). It makes me edgy and leaves me in a state of constantly charging all of my electronics.

- The crazy witch who owns the property next door has gotten even crazier. Her tenants moved out in the middle of the night... strange. And the new people who moved in found a human skull and teeth hanging in a room that was previously unrented. Instead of calling the police (uh hello) they called the landlady and she came and picked up her human skull with extra teeth. This is not how we do things where I am from.

- I have been having bad headaches and wondered if I had malaria so I popped out the the pharmacy and got some malaria testing kits. I don't know why this is the first time I have done this. It is genius. They are finger prick kits and cost $2 each. They even come with an alcohol swab! Shocking. I don't have malaria. Hooray! But I will be packing these test kits and bring them home with me when I leave Uganda. Last time I left I brought malaria home with me and an idiot American doctor almost killed me. Not really. But he was an idiot and other people with malaria who were under his care have died. He told me that within the first 3 minutes of our meeting. Him having neglected me the first 24 hours I was in the hospital. When no one would even give me tylenol for my painful malaria headache.

Woah I still have some pent up anger about that one. Anyway test kits = amazing. No one in Uganda will ever tell you that you do not have malaria. I tell acquaintances all the time that they do not have malaria, because seriously they dont. But then at the hospital I literally treat every single pregnant woman for malaria at some point in her pregnancy. Oh you have a little bit of a headache? Have some pills woman. Doctors do not test people because it is cheaper to just treat them. That is sad to me. And I feel like it has created a culture where people constantly assume they have malaria and are very frequently taking pills for something they do not have.

Becky found this blog by an American in India. Shockingly similar to Uganda. Loved this post about when you think you have malaria. 

- I spent about an hour online trying to figure out how to get Cheetos delivered to me in Africa. There is no such thing as cheese in Uganda, but I dont understand why we can't at least have fake cheese! Ok so we can't have fresh delicious mozzarella. Why can't we have Cheetos? One of the greatest injustices of Africa.