*Disclaimer* Please never follow any advice that you read on this blog. If you suspect you have malaria, ebola, or plague please seek medical attention. Also malaria is very serious. You should really not joke about it.
So I have malaria for the second time this year and while I am the last person who should ever instruct anyone on anything to do with grace, I am the first person you should consult if you get malaria, I am basically a pro at having malaria. Also I am pretty good at getting malaria so I can help you out with that too. But this is my guide on how to have malaria gracefully.
Try not to poop your pants.
If I could give one piece of advice in all life situations. It would be that. Like if I get really famous (probably for most times a person has ever got malaria in America) and the people (you know, the people) they want me to write a book. But I am still not that important so I only get a really short book or something and it can only have one topic. I would write about not pooping your pants.
But it is way more important when you have malaria because if you poop your pants you have to shower. And you are way too tired to shower. Literally too tired to take like a 4 minute shower. So try very hard to control your bodily functions. Do whatever you have to do to avoid standing up for 4 full minutes in the shower. Standing upright is torture. When are they going to invent that shower-bed?
Do not tell the government.
Also some great general life advice right there. But if the US government finds out you have malaria they will track your every move and ask you like a hundred questions to verify that you did not in fact contract the malaria in the USA. I wonder what would happen if you did? I bet they would bring you in for top secret government malaria testing and probing.
If you must get malaria then get it often. Seems like this thing is getting easier each time. I predict like 4 more times and I wouldn't even notice.
Get malaria in America. People will feel very bad for you and worry. If you get malaria in Africa no one will care. Malaria in Africa is like a head cold. You get to be sick with it for maybe one day and then you are expected to be fine. Its just malaria, don't be a baby about it. Get out of bed and go back to work.
In America your friends and family will literally worry that you are dying (which actually is not out of the question). And they will be very nice to you for at least one whole week.
This only works the first time you get it. The second time no one thinks you will die. That sympathy factor really goes away. And obviously sympathy is the best part about getting sick!
Thanks for reading. Good luck with your malaria.